5 Ways I’ve Learned to Approach Motherhood

As I enter my third trimester I have been reflecting on my approach to motherhood and the things I have learned or used as a guide during the last two years. They are certainly not rules, as admittedly I am not always consistent with following them but they have definitely helped me on my journey.

It’s sounds a little arrogant – especially when half the time I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. The reality is I was once one of those childless adults who looked at mothers analyzing what they should or shouldn’t be doing without ever actually knowing what it’s like. Now that I am a Mum the most empowering thing that I can do is trust myself. No one knows my child like me. No one knows me like me. The advice givers don’t know my child’s temperament or mine, if he or I are tired, hungry, sick, what research we have done or who I have sought advice from. It’s easier as your kids get older, I remember what its like with a newborn as you feel far less empowered, confident or skilled and feel like your drowning in anxiety, fatigue and judgement.

Sure I still have moments like last week when my 18 month old threw a tantrum in the café and I felt every eye upon me as I chose to ignore his behaviour. In the moment I cared. I would have loved to spend half an hour telling the spectators why I had the approach I did – but why should I waste my time? Instead I rallied and continued my method (and later cried in the café bathroom that we would never go out in public again!). So yes, I have those infrequent times when I care, but 90% of the time I at least try not to!

I have no problem with advice or hearing about others experience. I ask other people if they breast-fed or bottle-fed, or when they went back to work, not because I care about their choice, but because I did all these things and like to hear how others managed it. I have friends who are more experienced parents than I, who I bombard with questions like “what did you do when..? How did you manage…?” but I don’t feel the pressure to take the advice. Again in reference to my previous point – I am empowered. I am the expert on my own situation and can respectfully decide if I will/will not use the advice given.

  

Sure, Roo will be 20 before he ever tastes soft drink (I can dream) but should it bother me if other Mums let their child have something other than water? No. Again – we are not the experts on another’s life. By making a judgement you are assuming you know everything about that persons situation as if you’re a greater expert on their life. If I waste energy thinking how great I am because my child doesn’t know what ice-cream is, I will also soon commence thinking how terrible I am because I didn’t read a book today or relied on the TV to entertain while I got ready for work.

I believe the reliance on social comparison to boost your own esteem or feelings of togetherness can also create the problem of making you think you’re the worst Mum in the world. The reality is I need to focus my time caring about my own child. How can I have the time for that if I am busy caring what others do? I have also found that this goes back to my first point about being judged – the more you care what others are doing, the more you will probably feel like others are judging you.

When I was a kid growing up we learnt a tag line at church – WWJD “What would Jesus do?” But as a parent I DON’T ask “what would Jesus do”. I ask “What would Joe do?”. Joe – being Joe Blow, the typical average man. In short – it’s usually what Joe wouldn’t do – and therefore I must also NOT do!